Insanitarium

Criminal Mind

Okay, today was a complete waste of a perfectly good day. I didn’t have even a minute of sleep last night, so I was like a zombie when I attended classes. Totally oblivious to everything. It’s a miracle I even got home. I was so totally out of it.

I bought a new sim card today. Lecheng lumang sim ayaw sumagap ng signal. So I texted everyone on my phonebook to let them know that I changed my number (for like the fourth time in 2 months). Unexpectedly, my ex replied. Dammit I should’ve taken her name out of there before I sent the group message. So there, we talked. And as usual, ended up fighting. So as I was trying to get a hold of myself and not cuss the heavens in a fit of rage, I lied down for a bit. But as soon as my head hit my pillow, I was out. Woke up 2 hours after and still, the fight was on.

I decided to buy a couple of beers and drink my problems away.

After a few shots and a couple of cigarettes later, I felt suicidal again. Like, I just wanted to die. Right then and there. I went into my parents’ room and searched aimlessly for my dad’s handgun, hoping that it would be my way out of this God forsaken black hole I call a life. I wasn’t able to find it though, guess he hid it somewhere safe so that my sibling wouldn’t accidentally find it and play with it.

I was losing all hope. I tried to think of other ways to kill myself without inflicting too much pain. I wanted to die in an instant, I doidn’t want those slow painful deaths. Mamamatay ka na nga lang mahihirapan ka pa. Punyeta.

I grew so senseless, I didn’t know what to do anymore. Didn’t have a clue. Bewildered. Depressed. Weakened. For short, EMO.

But I realized… that there are people in this world who have had it a lot worse than I have and yet they managed to pull through despite all the strife and bitter conflicts in their lives.

I still think life is a gift no one should ever waste or take for granted. Not even a complete moron like me.